Trust vs Control vs Fear vs Faith

When I find myself feeling a need to control someone or some situation, I realize I don't trust that things will work out without my personal intervention. When my well-being and happiness are at risk, I become vigilant about control. For me, the need to control reflects the absence of trust and the presence of fear.

What am I afraid of? Not being happy. Being hurt. Not having enough. Those are the fears of a toddler, aren't they? When do I graduate from this stage? When do I wake up and see that I am enough and I have enough just as I am? When will I be able to let go and let God in the truest sense of that expression?

Where is my faith when I am busy trying to be in control?

One of my favorite cartoons from the presidential campaign dates from the time when McCain and Palin were accusing Obama of calling Sarah Palin a pig. Remember the lipstick on a pig dust up? Well, there were pundits and prognosticators and bloggers and broadcasters saying that Obama had to do something or else the election might get away from him. Then I saw this cartoon:

Sometimes I think that's the way I am with God. I'm all, "God, feel free to tend to the really important things like healing the planet. When it comes to my life, don't worry, I got this." The truth is that I don't have it. I can only get more and more controlling until I spin out of control. For today, I am willing to take my exhausted little self, place it firmly in God's hands and say "uncle." Okay, God, I give up. You got this.

What I Know for Sure

In her magazine, Oprah likes to ask her interviewees, "What do you know for sure?" I've been thinking about that question the past few days.

This is a snippet of what I know that I know for sure:

1. How to grill
2. How to get over a broken or cracked heart
3. That life goes on

I am grateful that at 52 I can still laugh, love, trust, and believe in myself, in others, and in life. I am wise enough to know that heartaches are the risks you take for staying in the game. I am optimistic enough to believe in happy endings, despite much evidence to the contrary. I am trusting enough in my judgment and in life to pick myself up and get back in there. (Just don't ask me where "in there" is!)

What I know for sure is that "With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy.*

*Desiderata

Blooming from Within

The bud
stands for all things,
even those things that don't flower,
for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;
though sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing...*

Saturday afternoon I stood in front of a full-length mirror and casually thought, "I don't like anything I see." I didn't even realize I had thought that until a later conversation with a friend.

I opened today's entry with the excerpt from "St. Francis & the Sow" to remind us that it's time to reteach our selves our loveliness. Today I looked in my mirror and noticed the lovely clearness of my skin. My face looked clean, clear, and hopeful. Inside me lives this magnificent girl/woman who needs to know that I see and value her.

What about you? What is it that you need to do to reacquaint your self with your innate loveliness? Will you look in the mirror today and greet yourself as a friend?

*St. Francis & the Sow by Galway Kinnell

One Breath at a Time (or Disengage Autopilot)

Last night as I watched the season finale of "Lost," I found myself breathing rapidly during commercials. That's when I realized I had been so engrossed during the show that I stopped breathing. I wasn't even aware that I had been holding my breath.

I wonder how often I do this during my life. Are there times where I don't even bother to breathe? Are there times when I let my choices (and ultimately my life) just go on autopilot? Yes and yes.

For today, I am willing to be conscious throughout my day. I will be present within each conversation I have. I will not peer ahead or look behind. I will stay in the present.

What about you? How can you live your life in the present tense today? How can you remember to breathe?

Silent Spring

Yes, I realize it's been over a month since I last posted. Thanks for calling or e-mailing to ask if I'm okay. Yes, I am okay. I've just been silently watching myself for the past few weeks. I have reached the following conclusion:

I need the distraction of my struggles with weight to keep me from noticing that I do not have a plan for living the rest of my life. As long as I stay mired in the day-to-day internal argument about what, when, and how much to eat, I don't have to realize that I'm just living from day to day. I have no overarching plan beyond notions of being happy and honest in the moment.

So, what now? I'm thinking of what I'd like my life to look like and then coming up with a plan for how to get there. What about you? What's your mid-life plan?

It's ironic that I started this blog to help me get healthier. I should have known my real problem was never about food. As we learned in the cycle of need, eating is the behavior, not the underlying need.

No Foolin'

I turn 52 today. This morning I tried to remember as many birthdays as I could. I particularly remember turning 15. I went around singing a little song..."I am f-i-f-t-double-e-n today." I also remember turning 16 and wearing a little blue skirt set. I felt so good inside my body that day. This is memorable because I've spent a lifetime wishing I could carve out a different body than the one I have.

My birthday wish this year is to recapture that feeling of being at home inside my body. That's my goal for the coming year. So, next year when I turn 53, I want to feel at home inside me - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I wish you joy and peace of mind today. Happy birthday - even if you're not celebrating yours today!

Sometimes Poets Say It Best

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

-- Emily Dickinson

A Huge Step from Nothing

Whatever step you take today - no matter how small or incremental - toward your physical, emotional, and spiritual health is "a huge step from nothing." (h/t Marge)

Waiting to get it perfect immobilizes me. Not getting it perfect demoralizes me. Just for this day, I am willing to do what I can to be healthier. I am willing to acknowledge any progress I make toward living a more balanced life. I am willing to be okay with messing up, falling down, and getting back up.

What about you? What "huge step from nothing" are you taking today toward living a healthier, more balanced life?

Being Gentle with Yourself

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

...in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.*

I promised myself I wouldn't do it. I tried not to do it. But then I went ahead and did it. So, what should I do now? I could verbally slap myself around and make me feel even worse. Or...I could talk to myself as a loving friend: "Okay, I messed up. It's over. It's done. Sometimes I go for the quick fix when I need to take the long view. I'm not the sum of my mistakes. I love and like me. Unconditionally."

What about you? Does your soul need gentle handling today?

Today I commit to:

1. Go to the 4:00 water aerobics class.
2. Buy groceries.
3. Journal.
4. Forgive my self.


*From Desiderata.

Happy 1st Day of Spring!

Good morning & happy first day of spring!

We've made it through another winter and now it's spring, glorious spring. Dogwoods, azaleas, irises, fresh new leaves...the beauty and joy of spring. Guess you can tell what my favorite season is, huh?

Why do I love spring so much? Perhaps I was a druid in another life. More likely, it is because spring represents a renewal, a time to take a new approach, to make amends and to start again. I've never understood why a new year starts in the dead of winter. A new year should start with spring. This is the time for resolutions and promises to do better, to be better.

So, what spring resolutions do you want to make this year? We've got a mere three months and then it will be summer. What can you do during the next 90 days to make yourself emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthier?

Here's what I resolve to do:

1. Emotional health - tell the truth to myself and to others. When I don't trust someone enough to tell the truth, that's my cue to question my participation in that particular relationship.

2. Spiritual health - tell the truth about what I'm feeling and why, journal each night, meditate for at least 10 minutes a day, pray, spend time enjoying nature, blog five times a week, clean and organize my office and bedroom.

3. Physical health - tell the truth to myself about the frequency and intensity of my exercising, go to water aerobics class 3 times a week, go to pilates or another class 2 times a week.

All righty, then. These are ambitious goals and I believe I can do them. After all, everything that I've listed is an investment in the person I love most - me.

Now, it's your turn. What are your personal investment goals for the next 90 days?

Blogger's Block

Not really sure why I haven't been updating this blog much in the past few weeks. Guess I've been living instead of observing and reflecting. There's much to recommend both approaches. However, I live a more full and fulfilled life when I take the time to reflect on my daily choices. Otherwise, I become a wind-up woman who stays busy doing stuff but makes sure her life and personal relationships stay at surface-levels.

I haven't worked out in two weeks. I caught a cold that I had a hard time shaking. However, the cold did not preclude me from eating sweets. See, this is why I haven't blogged in a while. This thing is a confessional!!!

Today I commit to:

1. Go to an exercise class.
2. Journal.
3. Be a better friend.

What about you? What are doing today to be healthier?

Spring Fever

Okay, it's official. I have an acute case of spring fever. Symptoms: overwhelming desire to plant, play, and procreate. Cure? Nah, this condition is too much fun to seek out a cure.

What about you? Is spring working its irresistible magic on you?

Mirror, Mirror...

Okay, what does a mid-life crisis look like? I think I'm in one right now. I find myself questioning the parts that make up my life, wondering what fits, and what needs to be tossed. I'm asking myself some hard questions and I don't like the answers I'm getting to more than a few of them.

Telling the truth to myself about my self is hard work. Sometimes it's unpleasant too.

What about you? Where are you in your life's journey? What are you taking along with you? What are you tossing aside? Any words of wisdom for your fellow journeyers?

Same Ol' Same Ol'

So, what's new in your world? I mean, what's really new? When was the last time you had a new experience? Or learned something new? Or tried something different? Maybe it's just the stirrings of spring, but lately I find myself longing for something new. In the past when that desire for something new and tasty would hit, I might seek out a new romantic relationship, take a trip to the mall, or try out a new restaurant. Today, instead of turning to men, shopping, or desserts, I am taking a new exercise class. It's called Muscleworks and it's free weights and resistance bands. Not really sure how I'll do but I'll give it a try.

What about you? What new thing are you adding to your life to give it flavor?

A Prayer of Thanksgiving

Dear God:

Thank You for my life in this moment and this moment in my life.

Lit

Upping the Ante

If I want more results, I've got to put in more work. This week I am adding a fourth day of exercise. I will go to the 5:00 water aerobics class today. I will work hard in the class and not slack off when it starts feeling challenging.

What about you? Is it time to up the ante in your quest to be healthier?

Reality Check

One of Alberta's friends got the phone call we all dread. The one where it's the hospital calling about a serious accident involving your loved one. Your heart drops. Your mouth runs dry. Your eyes flood. You forget to breathe.

My mother likes to say, "We know where we've been but we don't know where we're going." Our heads are so full of plans and lists of things we simply must do. The past, present, and future - sometimes my head and heart straddle all three.

For today, I commit to live in this present moment. The past has passed. The future will surely hold both happiness and sorrow. The present requires my vigilant presence.

What about you? How will you manage to stay in the moment at hand?

Today I will:

1. Go to the 4:00 water aerobics class.
2. Meditate for at least 15 minutes.
3. Journal.

I Don't Wanna!

See, this is why I don't ask myself whether I want to exercise. The answer is invariably, "I don't wanna!" Or, "Do I have to?!" We all know I have to so no further discussion. I am going to the 4:00 water aerobics class - that's my commitment to you and to me.

What about you? Is that "I don't wanna" voice whining in your ear about something you know you need to do for your spiritual, emotional and physical health? How will you ignore that little voice and move forward toward your goals?

Lift Up Mine Eyes

Earlier this morning I thought about a scripture verse that includes the line, "I will lift up mine eyes." I thought about all the things I miss when I just focus on the joys and struggles that make up my little life. I miss out on the bigger picture and my place in the mosaic of this universe. I am here for a divine purpose that's much bigger than those three numbers on my bathroom scale. For today, I am opening myself to seeing what God wants me to see rather than just seeing my own self-created (and self-sustaining) mini-dramas.

What about you? What might you see when you lift up your own eyes? What divine purpose does the universe hold for you?

Today I will:

1. Tell the truth.
2. Ask God to show me a deeper truth.
3. Go to a water aerobics class.
4. Meditate for 15 minutes.

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Loving Yourself Just As You Are Is an Act of Courage

When I learned Usher's wife may have had a "serious injury" due to complications from cosmetic surgery, I was sad. Why is it so hard to love those sweet brown faces and bodies that we see in the mirror? What is this voice that keeps telling us we're not good enough just as we are?

Yes, I need to lose weight for my health but my soul - the essence of who I am - cannot be changed by a few pounds gained or lost. I don't want to be at war with my mirror or my psyche. I am learning to love me in this moment. For me, that's an act of courage.

What about you? Do you have the courage to love - really love - yourself just as you look right this moment? How are you guarding your mind and your being from toxic messages about what a grown woman's body is supposed to look like? How are you staying healthy emotionally and spiritually today?

Knowing and Doing: Closing the Gap

Sometimes there is a wide gap between what I know and what I do. For example, I know the basic steps involved in getting myself healthy. Sometimes, though, I just don't have the motivation or energy to follow those steps. I've been waiting to feel like exercising instead of just exercising. I can probably wait from now until the end of time and I still won't feel like exercising. I am learning to move forward even when the desire is not there.

I know couples who are and are not faithful to one another. From them I've learned that sometimes the only thing that keeps you faithful to your spouse is your commitment to your commitment. Your actual feelings about your husband or wife may fluctuate due to arguments and moods. However, your commitment to remain true to your promise of fidelity never fluctuates. I am trying to develop that same commitment to my health so even when I don't feel like doing something healthy (or especially when I don't feel like it!), I can keep doing what I know to be the next right thing.

What about you? Is there a gap between what you know and what you do? How are you bridging that gap so that you can move toward a healthier you? What is the next right thing for you to do to get healthier?

Planning for Success

This morning I decided to do an exercise schedule for Alberta and me. We already have a weekly food chart that lists what we're supposed to eat each day. Now, I'll add exercise to that chart. Once it's on paper, perhaps we'll be more likely to stick to it. For today, I will go to a stretching class at the wellness center. Alberta is going for a walk.

What are you doing to make your health a planned success rather than an afterthought?

I Honestly Love Y'all!

Okay, I went to the 4:00 water aerobics class. It was your love and encouragement that buoyed me (plus a fair amount of guilt for not keeping my word). Thanks so much for making an honest woman out of me!

Is It Me or Memorex?

If I don't post for more than a couple of days, here's why: I have not kept my public commitments and I don't want to face the truth about that. This "tell the truth" approach is hard.

I didn't go to the wellness center for the water aerobics class last week even though I had said that I would. My knee was hurting. However, I wonder whether I sometimes use my knee pain as a crutch (pardon the obvious pun). I think I could make it through a class. Okay, it's 3:22 now. There is a class that starts at 4:00. Let me go try on a swimsuit to make sure I have something to wear to class. Back in a second. Okay, the suit fits and I left it on. I'm leaving now to go to the class.

Thanks for keeping me honest.

Hello from the State of Denial

Maybe it's because it's winter. Maybe it's because I'm lazy. Maybe it's because everything feels like such an effort. Whatever the reason (or rationale), I'm stuck in neutral. I haven't gained any weight nor have I lost any.

I had committed to turning in the paperwork for the water aerobics classes at Dekalb Medical on Tuesday. Then I realized that my membership starts the day I turn in the paperwork so I should be ready to take a class that day. Otherwise, I'd be wasting money. Since we're in a recession, I need to save every penny. (Now is where you do as I did - pretend that you don't know that the first week is free.) Okay, so I decided I would go to the class Wednesday morning. Oops, my niece needed me to baby-sit so Wednesday was out. What about Thursday? Wasn't it raining yesterday? So, the truth is that I never signed up for the wellness center membership. The paperwork is still on the front seat of my car.

So, here is what I promise you (and myself) that I will do today;

1. Go the 4:00 class at the wellness center today.
2. Plan my meals for the coming week.
3. Buy myself flowers to help my home feel more like spring.

Clouding Our Vision

Yesterday morning I thought about all the heartaches that come with just being human. Right now someone is burying a loved one, someone is losing a job, someone is asking for a divorce, someone just failed a test, someone didn't make the team, someone is giving up. With so much pain and hurt emanating into the air, how can any rays of sunshine and hope peek through? And yet, they do peek through whenever we laugh, smile or pray for another person.

For today, I am asking myself what am I doing to add more sunshine to my life and the lives of others. What kind word can I say to myself? What smile can I share with someone else?

What about you? What is the emotional forecast in your world? What clouds are distorting your view?

Intentional vs Incidental

Honestly, any health benefits that I achieve right now will be incidental rather than intentional. I was doing okay until I hurt my knee. The pain kept me from walking. So, exercise was scratched off my list. Then I was too tired one night to add any thoughts to my journal. So, my evening journaling got more and more lax. Then, one day I woke up too late to do my morning meditation. So now my meditation has become haphazard. If I don't stick to a structured routine, I lose my discipline. I convince myself that it will be okay "this one time." The truth is I'm just lying to myself. I know better. I know I need to take concrete steps every day toward my physical, emotional and spiritual health.

My knee is feeling better enough so that I can take a water aerobics class so today I will go sign up for the class at Dekalb Medical. Here are my other public commitments for this day:

1. Watch my portion sizes. Those extra bites count!
2. Journal.
3. Meditate 15 minutes.
4. Tell the truth.

What about you? Are you living a life where your physical, emotional and spiritual health is intentional rather than incidental?

The Curious Case for Curiosity

In his inaugural speech, President Obama (how I do love to say those two words!) pointed out that curiosity is integral to America's success. Random House defines curiosity as the "desire to learn or know about anything."

How can a sense of curiosity help me in my quest for spiritual, emotional, and physical health? By giving me the confidence to go outside my comfort zone in seeking help and resources. By first admitting that I don't know all the reasons I prefer a bowl of ice cream and Oreos rather than a balanced meal. Sometimes I begin eating without even realizing I'm eating. I continue eating without even acknowledging whether I'm full. When this happens, I'm surely not eating to satisfy physical hunger. So, what is it then?

Also, curiosity can help me reach out to a more diverse set of people. Working on the Obama campaign introduced me to people I never would have met otherwise. Now that the campaign is over, it's up to me to keep those relationships going. When I live and work and socialize with people who basically think the same way I do, life becomes an echo chamber. When I step outside of this chamber with a sense of curiosity rather than obligation or even resignation, I can meet people where they are - not where I think they should be. This attitude is helping me realize that Lillie Love is not the sole arbiter of what is right and wrong in the world. I don't have to fixate on what is wrong with someone else to keep me from looking at my own mess. I don't have to make food the stand-in for what is lacking in my own life.

I'm curious about you. What are you doing to keep a sense of curiosity alive in your life? How can curiosity about yourself, your motivations, and your challenges help you mend a bit of your brokenness?

The Sorrow of Tomorrow

My favorite day of the week is tomorrow. My favorite day to start a new habit is tomorrow. My favorite day to end an old habit is tomorrow. My favorite day to deal with an inconvenient truth is tomorrow.

Right now is a time to take it easy, fore go any long-range planning, and just be happy. Tomorrow is the time to buckle down, get myself together, and get serious about my goals.

For this day, my favorite day is today. The time to schedule my long-delayed doctors' appointments is today. The time to stick to my eating plan is today. The time to tell the truth to myself about my tendency to put off difficult, uninteresting or unpleasant tasks is today.

What about you? What has been on your tomorrow calendar too long?

Happy "US" Day!!

Okay, it's official. It's January 20th. In exactly 12 hours Barack Obama will be sworn in as the 44th president of these United States.

I've been teary and excited and humbled and happy and.... well, you get the message.

Obama's victory is really our victory - all of US. It reminds us that no matter the odds at the outset, we can still end up wearing the crown of victory. Yes we can be healthy spiritually, emotionally and physically. Yes we can change. Yes we can keep going. Yes we can stay committed to our goals. Yes we can stumble and yes we will succeed.

For today, say yes to your soul's vision of yourself. Also, let us remember to say a prayer of thanks for the Ancestors who must be rejoicing today.

Happy US day, y'all! Yessssss!

Patterns

Did you take Home Ec in high school? I did and had the worst time trying to cut out a hot pant set from a pattern. We had a fashion show where we wore our creations and that was the shabbiest bolero jacket and hot pants ever created. I immediately trashed them once the show was over.

Life has patterns also. I just recognized one of my longstanding ones last night. I'm trashing it just as I trashed those hot pants over 30 years ago. The beauty of being 51 is that I can see clearly what once was a foggy picture.

What about you? Are there any patterns in your life that need trashing? What is one thing you will start doing today to have a better outcome?

Just One of those Days

Have you ever had one of those blah days where you felt uninspired, unattractive, and untalented? Well, I'm having one of those "un" days. I can't decide whether I should fight against these feelings or just let myself feel them.

What about you? How do you survive your "un" days?

Remembering to Breathe

Alberta started classes this morning. I left a good luck note on the door reminding her to breathe throughout the day.

That's good advice for us all. When life appears scary or overwhelming, focus on taking one breath at a time.

What about you? What's frightening or displeasing you today? How will you handle it in a way that calms and soothes your soul?

Willing and Able

Sometimes just being willing to change is the victory. If we pray for the willingness, the ability will come.

Today what are you willing to do differently?

Alberta and I have our menus planned for the coming week. Today I am willing to eat what is on the menu for this day. No deviations.

Priorities

I've been wondering what are my real priorities. Not those things I think should be priorities but my priorities as reflected by the choices I make. Too often, my priority is determined by what I feel like doing at any given moment. I haven't been to the grocery store in ages because "I don't feel like it." So, my meals are random.

For today, I'm asking myself how each choice I make reflects what's really important to me. If being healthy (emotionally, spiritually, physically) is my priority, how do my actions support (or block) that goal?

What about you? What's really important to you? How does your life reflect your priorities?

Today I commit to:

1. Telling the truth
2. Walking 20 minutes
3. Planning my meals for the coming week
4. Shopping for groceries

The Power of Public Commitments

Yesterday I was exhausted. Entertaining two six-month-olds all day is hard work. Last night I simply wanted to go to bed. However, I had publicly stated I would exercise for 20 minutes yesterday. So, last night I stepped into my sneakers at 10:12 pm and took a 20-minute walk. Alberta coaxed and coached me along.

Letting myself down would have cost me too much. So, I walked, even though my lower back was screaming.

How about you? What are you doing right now to be your own best friend? How are you keeping your word to yourself?

Today I will exercise for 20 minutes, meditate for 15 minutes, journal, and say "no" to sweets.

What's Eating Me that Makes Me Keep Eating?

This morning (at 4:15) as I fed my 6-month-old great nephew, I watched his little face as he enthusiastically sucked on his bottle. I stroked the little hairs around his temple and kissed him gently. As I held him close, I felt only love.

I wonder if our earliest eating experiences are memory-stamped in our beings. If so, it's no wonder that we associate food and eating with love and intimacy.

Today I'm asking myself what I'm really hungry for. Rather than a chocolate chip cookie, I suspect I'm really hungry for love and emotional intimacy. As you know, that's not carried at Publix so today I'm exploring ways to make me full that don't include a fork or spoon.

I'll keep you posted.

By the way, I kept all my commitments yesterday. I will make those same commitments today.

What about you? What are you really hungry for?

Another Perspective

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not overweight, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!

h/t Donna

It's Monday and It's Raining

But I'm all "sunshiney" because we're in this together!

I was thinking about personal commitments and resolutions for 2009 when I realized I've got to do this one day at a time. There is no way I can honestly say I will not eat one dessert in 2009 or that I will journal and meditate every day.

So, this is what I commit to do today:

1. Meditate for 15 minutes (spiritual health)
2. No sweets (physical health)
3. 20 minutes of exercise (physical health)
4. Tell the truth (emotional health)

What about you? What will you commit to do just for today?

Okay, Here We Go!

First, happy 2009!!

I've created this blog to help all of us work toward spiritual, emotional, and physical health. Also, this gives me public accountability for the choices I make in my life. My first commitment is to tell you the truth - about what I'm eating, how much I'm exercising, and how much attention I'm paying to my spiritual life. This is not an attempt to get perfect - I just want to be a better Lillie Love.

I'm hoping that you will join me in this online (ad)venture. I need your help. I need your honesty. I need your love. I need you to let me help you as well.

What will all this look like? I dunno. Let's just run on and see what the end is gonna be.